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DR DEBORAH HILTERMAN - HER STORY

“I know how to hurt you without leaving visible injuries” was something Adrian said to me as he held my arm twisted behind my back.

Adrian made a big mistake in causing me the black eye. Most of the other injuries were in places where no-one could see. The black eye was for all to see.

I went to work the following week and told everyone exactly what he did. I do not know how I dared go to work like that but I did. I shudder to think what people may have thought.

My work colleagues, fellow doctors, nurses and my patients have seen me with this black eye. I felt ignored when Adrian’s friends and police colleagues chose to turn a blind eye and ear to this.

Adrian even lied in front of his work colleagues as to how the black eye was sustained to protect himself. He even entertained a policeman friend and his wife in my company the day after I sustained the injury.

Not a word was said in reference to my black eye or my untidy, disheveled presentation and anxious, distressed manner.

He was believed; he was not questioned; he had power; he had control; he was validated and entitled to continue the abuse. In doing so, I was made to feel like I was ignored, invalidated, unheard and “ganged up” against. No-one helped me. I was left with a lump under my right eye for nearly two months.

I even enquired with a plastic surgeon in Tauranga as to the prognosis of complete resolution of the lump. I was given some concealer cream to place over the discolouration which remained for those months. I remember putting this concealer on in front of Adrian.

He never acknowledged my black eye since the time he caused the injury. Not once. He couldn’t look at me whilst I had that black eye.

Here was a man that was supposed to protect me. To the contrary, he inflicted harm.

How could he do this to his wife?

I still drive the car in which that incident occurred.

I am reminded of that incident when the children and I visit Starship Hospital for check ups on the children’s’ spines. It was on return from a visit to Starship that Adrian hit me causing that black eye. The Kaimais are imprinted on my mind as the place where the incident took place and the 30th June 2007 shall remain with me forever.

I have had scoliosis since 11 years of age. This condition leaves the afflicted with a physical deformity.

During that incident where Adrian hit me causing my black eye, Adrian said that it was my fault that the children had the scoliosis or spinal curvature. He said it was my genes that they had inherited. He even told Ben, our eldest, then aged 7 years, that he would end up with a bent back “like his mother”.

He said that since it was my fault then I should be responsible for paying to get the kids to Auckland and sort it all out. Adrian seemed to enjoy saying hurtful things. I have been traumatized by Adrian’s words. How could he be so cruel as to blame his wife who also has the condition? Adrian was an expert at cold hearted cruelty.

The abuse would be punctuated by small episodes of affection and warmth. Sometimes I would feel like I was walking on air. This would be when he unexpectedly supported or praised me.

Often I would approach him with a problem using the same approach that I believed would gain a positive response, only to find that he would react in completely the opposite fashion. Like the carpet had been pulled from under my feet. It was so confusing.

After the physical assaults I would try to dissociate and pretend that everything was fine.

This would leave me clinging to the times when things were good and I believe that I suffered a traumatic bonding with Adrian. I lived for the good times and the good qualities even though I only saw glimpses.

The outside world saw the amicable, warm and generous Adrian and it is that persona that is so often relayed by those who did not witness the violence in the home. The negative side was reserved for his immediate family.

In me, they saw a reserved, sometimes cold, anxious woman who was confused by this double persona that Adrian would portray to visitors. I would resent his affection and generosity towards others.

He would give out crayfish and fish to friends and relatives. It is hard for the public to see Adrian as anything other than kind and generous when this is all they see. I understand that.

We would often socialize directly after an incident and this was when it was hard for me to pretend nothing had happened. Sometimes this resentment would show itself in my unwillingness to partake of the conversation when visitors called round.

I know that I became a woman who was more sensitive to triggers and reacted quicker than someone who had not been exposed to the abuse. This is what I now understand as affect disregulation and is common in women exposed to violence. I understand that I was conditioned to react and behave in a certain way as part of the cycle of violence.

What I do find difficult to comprehend, is that despite me talking talk to lots of people, mutual friends and relatives about the assaults, they chose not to help or believe me. I would regularly receive the response "but he is a good man".

How could they continue on as if everything was alright and pretend they knew nothing of what I had told them? Why did they not see Adrian in a different light?

This only heightened the entitlement of Adrian to behave the way he did and made me believe that I must be seeing him in the wrong light. I must be crazy, not him. The perineal injury meant that I was unable to sit properly for two weeks.

I remember bending down in front of my cheval mirror to inspect the injury. As a woman this was a demeaning area to receive such an injury.

It was a sequence of events from him running into the bedroom, pulling me off the bed whilst hiding under the covers, to pulling me by my legs to the floor. I was cowering on the floor and despite knowing that I had instrumentation in my lower spine and despite me shouting out to him "mind my back, mind my back" Adrian kicked me from behind between my legs.

Again there was no remorse, no mention of the incident or injuries for that matter. It was just ignored. I didn’t receive "honeymoon phases" as is classically recognized in the cycle of domestic violence. I would be the one who waived the "white flag" to try and stop the tense atmosphere.

Then arose the air of supremacy from Adrian in terms of whether he should agree to "making up with me" or not. He would ask me "Did I deserve a cuddle?" It is hard to remember what it was like to live with regular injuries.

It has been almost fifteen months now spent without walking around with a bruise here or a bruise there. The bruises and the insults verbally drained me mentally and physically. I could handle the physical assaults better than the emotional insults.

The name calling and the emotional withdrawal ate away at the very core of me and felt like the very essence of me as a woman was being torn from me. It made me feel like my insides were being ripped out- like someone driving a knife into your stomach and twisting it round and round.

The children seem to have it in their minds that fathers must be responsible for the hurt inflicted in families. For instance the other day, someone was telling the children about a little boy who had had his foot amputated. The children were reported to have said that the "father must have done it".

It is shocking that they have a sense that a father must be the culprit for harm inflicted to his family.

I tried to intervene when Adrian hit them children with the wooden spoon. I have tried to intervene in the past in incidents such as this and Adrian has turned on me. Weeks before that incident I had rung his senior colleagues concerned about Adrian smashing the wooden spoon in front of the children and threatening behavior.

"That’s right, undermining me again" would be his usual retort, if I objected to his attitudes and behavior. I would be humiliated or ridiculed for wanting to intervene.

Adrian has been an autocratic parent from the day the children were born with a harsh disciplinary style. He placed unreasonable demands and expectations upon them to the point where it was irresponsible and dangerous. Adrian has an impulsive personality and is a risk taker. He tried to instil that attitude in the children.

"They’ll only do it once" he’d say, in reference to any potential accident, as he placed three year old Reuben on a two storey roof to retrieve a ball. He had little regard for the children’s safety. He said that phrase a lot; "They'll only do it once".

Adrian left our children with bruises visible for days after the incident. Adrian did not realize his own strength. They are so small. They are so young, yet Adrian placed unrealistic and harsh demands on them. They dropped crumbs and failed to get ready for dinner and Adrian resorted to hunting them down to hit them. In Adrian’s words, he had to hit Reuben, the third child, to be "to be fair to the other two".

Sometimes I have felt sorry for Adrian. There have still been times where I have felt bad for what I have done in reporting the incidents to Police. Other times I have felt angry and hoped Adrian realizes what he has lost.

Adrian has lost his family, his home and the people who should have been the dearest to him. Adrian and I used to laugh about the song "you don’t know how lucky you are". Adrian did not know this for sure.

Adrian has lost a loyal wife who despite the abuse was loving and attentive. He has lost three beautiful children who like children do, show unconditional love despite the violence.

At the family court Adrian said under oath that "if I had known Deborah was going to go to the Police I would never have left her". How long did Adrian think that I could endure the abuse towards the children and myself if he had stayed? The day would have come.

I have also had to cope with the huge burden of not being believed, being viewed with suspicion as to whether the allegations I made were true. There is no smoke without fire and I walk away now in the knowledge that the convictions validate the violence; that it was family violence also directed at the children.

Ben has suffered nightmares and suffered occasional bedwetting. He requests that I do not leave the ranch slider open at night in fear of his father gaining entry to the house by this entrance. The children have regularly slept in the master bedroom with me as they are too insecure to sleep on their own.

Ben has requested that any contact with his father be supervised as he is scared that his father will hit them. He says he wants to regain trust in his father. Reuben has made comments about his daddy hurting his mummy and that now he can’t hurt me.

Shoshana makes comments that if she "gets a new daddy" he has to be one that "won't hurt mummy".

The children have not had any contact with their father since January 2008. This has been Adrian's wishes since he is required to be supervised and has said that this is "demeaning". I understand from the Lawyer for the children, that following the jury trial, Adrian intends to "walk away" from being father to the children. This comes as no surprise to me since this was his attitude displayed in regards to his responsibilities of being a parent in the relationship.

He would regularly threaten in the marriage to "take off to Holland" and "not pay a cent in maintenance" since we would never find him. No longer do I have to live day to day with the constant reminder from Adrian "you wanted them, you pay for them" in reference to our children.

No longer must I endure the heartbreak of a husband and father electing to keep his salary back from supporting his family in order to save funds for himself. Adrian ordered me to pay for the children and pay off the mortgage on my own. He stopped his direct credit of his salary to the joint mortgage account eighteen months prior to separation. We lived like two lodgers or flat mates with divided finances at the direction of Adrian. I have always had to pay all the school fees and the lease on the family car. In the last eighteen months of the relationship I had to pay most of the food bills at the supermarket and most importantly all the clothes and consumables for the children. "You wanted them, you pay for them" echoed in my mind.

How could a man put these constraints on his family when his role was to help provide for them? I understand that this was part of the domestic abuse - power and control. This was economic abuse.

I now live without a husband. The children now live without a father. Since we have been separated I am stronger day by day in the realization that I deserve better. I didn’t realize that in the relationship because Adrian told me I didn’t deserve better.

He would tell me that "I wouldn’t ever find another bloke if I left him since I couldn’t even find friends". Whilst the children and I miss the company of a husband and a father, we do not miss the psychological, financial and physical abuse. We are now free to enjoy our lives in peace - to do what we want when we want.

The children are now free to drop crumbs on the floor, they no longer get shouted at to "lean over" and hit with implements such as the wooden spoon just because they didn’t listen and get in the shower when they were told.

No longer do I have to live hoping to please Adrian that I have repaid the mortgage or ensured that the kitchen workbench is free from crumbs. No longer do I have to endure the withdrawal of love and support which Adrian chose to do to hurt me and show me who was in control.

"A cuddle?" Adrian would say, "I’ll give you a cuddle when I am good and ready - what makes you think you deserve a cuddle?" He would smirk on saying these words. He denied me physical affection in a cruel and sadistic manner.

No longer do I have to endure Adrian removing his wedding ring and only agreeing to put it back on when he felt that I had treated him reasonably. All these actions hurt tremendously, but I can put them in perspective now. They were Adrian’s games and a reflection of how he felt about himself and not me.

I have had to cope with affidavits filed by mutual friends as well as their reactions when I have met them by chance. Not one of those mutual friends Adrian chose to involve in supporting him has made contact with me after the event to enquire how I am or more importantly how the children are.

The attitudes have to change and it is for this reason that I have taken a stance to put my case into the public eye and prepare to stand up and be counted.

I have missed days at work because of requirements to attend criminal court. In total I have missed approximately three weeks work through the criminal court requirements.

I have also been required to attend many family court hearings and judicial conferences and pay legal fees in retaining counsel. In the course of obtaining a Protection Order, because Adrian chose to defend that Order and claim that he had never been violent, I was required to pay almost $30,000 to gain that Protection order. This involved denial by Adrian in relation to the black eye and perineal injuries, for which he was convicted. Adrian used to threaten in the relationship that if I sought a Protection Order then he would defend it.

Defend it he did.

Adrian filed thirty affidavits of a degrading nature. Adrian wrote some of those affidavits. There followed three days of a grueling hearing. I gained my Protection Order but at huge cost both emotionally and financially.

Adrian has broken and damaged many material possessions of mine. It was a common event for my items to be damaged during violence and included ornaments and jewellery. Everything I have had of any value has been damaged by Adrian. Adrian would glue ornaments back together with silicon glue. It amazed me that he could do this with no acknowledgement of his responsibility for breaking them.

Despite the Protection Order in place, Adrian has breached it once and pushed the boundaries in terms of actions in potential breach of the order.

With knowledge of a Protection Order waiting to be served, Adrian caused items to be uplifted from the marital home in which the children and I reside. This caused great distress and concern to come home to find a door left open and many items removed from the property. It sent a message to me that Adrian could what he wanted when he pleased.

For the first few months post separation, I stayed nights at my mother's house because I was scared that Adrian would come to the house when I was asleep. One of the first things I did was to change the locks on the doors at home.

In the early day post separation I feared that Adrian would come and hunt me down and shoot me as he was a keen hunter and loved guns. The vision haunts me of him standing with his gun pointing it at the neighbours’ house.

Adrian also requested the spare key to his gun cabinet some weeks post separation despite not being in possession of firearms after his arrest. This scared me.

Adrian has caused me great insecurity in terms of causing the threat of a mortgagee sale on the property in which the children and I reside. I have had to repay some of the arrears that Adrian incurred since he removed almost $30,000 from the mortgage post separation. My repayment prevented that mortgagee sale.

He has spoken to the children inappropriately during access visits and caused much distress in this regard. He has intercepted and opened mail addressed to my address post separation concerning personal toll calls.

He has hand-written letters and memos to the Court and legal counsel full of defamatory comments about me. This was hard to read and put into context whist feeling so vulnerable.

Despite being separated and having a Protection Order, Adrian has continued to cause much anguish and fear. He has known the boundaries to push towards without necessarily crossing the line of a formal breach of the Protection Order.

I am still scared by the actions of Adrian. He frightens me even by his presence. I believe I suffer from post traumatic stress disorder. I shake uncontrollably when faced with situations concerning him. The psychologist in his S133 report concerning S59/60 issues under the Care of Children Act has noted this as a finding on interviewing me.

I was scared within the relationship to do anything about the violence because of fears of retaliation by Adrian. Adrian is vengeful. I am scared that he will continue to cause me concern in the future. That is the reason I sought the Protection Order but it has not protected me against all of Adrian’s actions.

Already, since the trial I have received two allegations from Police and CYFS respectively, one of fraud and another of child abuse which have been unsubstantiated. The former arose from a lady who wrote a supporting affidavit for Adrian in the Family Court. The CYFS notification was from an anonymous person and sent the day Adrian’s assaults on the children were made known to public.

I understood that when I decided to go to Police and lay my complaint against Adrian I placed myself in the firing line for criticism and repercussions. I have considering moving away from Whakatane to gain anonymity and peace.

I also have a high profile occupation and have had to be very confident and thick-skinned in my everyday life since Adrian was charged.

I am aware and understand there will always be those supporting Adrian to this day and I respect their views. However, it is understandable that it has caused me much anguish in relation to complaints of a vexatious and unsubstantiated nature. At a time when I am vulnerable, I feel I am being targeted.

I am now anxious when around Police. I am now very hesitant at giving evidence as an expert witness because of the wounds that are re-opened in regards to this, and the contact with Police that it involves.

The children and I were denied access to Victim Support and Court advisory services immediately post-separation, when charges had been laid. I was informed by the agencies that this was because it was difficult for people who had worked so closely with Adrian to help us.

It took five months before Tauranga agencies provided support upon my request.

This comes at a time when I am trying to maintain and rebuild my self-esteem and that is hard to do. I need to keep strong to be a good mother to the children, to earn money to provide for them. I can not afford to take leave from my work through sickness and worry. I have legal fees to pay regarding the Family court and need an income. I am self-employed. If I don’t work, I don’t earn.

Further to this, Adrian has been on leave with full pay since August 2007. He has had the advantage of being able to take time out to consider his options and deal with the stresses he no doubt has faced through this process.

I have not had the benefit of a holiday or any time off work and it is something that I know I need to do. I am a hard worker and do not like to admit defeat and that has kept me going. I know that someone without that resolve would have given in by now, as many do.

I know in my mind I have done what is true and correct and I do feel proud of my actions. I came to court to "tell it like it is" and that is what I did. What you see is what you get. I have nothing to hide. I have always maintained that if you have truth on your side, then that is all you need.

I am acutely aware that these convictions will likely mean that Adrian's occupation is untenable. This will mean that maintenance for the children will stop until further work is found, if indeed the children and I are aware of the new occupation.

Therefore, my long-term fear of Adrian losing his job may now eventuate and hence with that the loss of financial support for the children. I am told by people that Adrian would be punished by possible loss of his occupation, but in doing so, the children and I are also punished by making me responsible totally for their financial welfare. I am forced to work harder and take on extra pressure.

I would thus be responsible for maintaining the children on my own. I am fortunate that I earn well when I do work, but that can come at the sacrifice of personal wellbeing. Ironically, I have been taught well by Adrian to be self sufficient in that he refused to support the children in terms of clothes, education, school fees etc prior to ending our marriage.

I was a solo mother in the relationship as I am now. I have not had to adapt much. The maintenance however, is of great help and is a potential loss that I will face in support of the children through the crimes.

I enrolled on the Women against Violence Education (WAVE) programme for 14 weeks at 3 hours each time in April this year, and the children are mid way through the restore programme held each week for 8 weeks. I have been able to recognize through counseling and intensive learning the role that I played in the cycle of violence.

I am now better equipped to recognize a healthy relationship, one based on give and take with respect and lack of power and control dynamics. I am coping with the behaviour demonstrated by the children to the counseling and the feelings that he generates within them as individuals.

It is clear to me that despite them being well-adjusted individuals; they have suffered from exposure to the abuse both of a psychological and physical nature. This applies to the abuse they have witnessed towards me and that he had inflicted directly towards them.

The effects of the violence is revealed in the children’s defiant behavior displayed now they are undergoing counseling. I was warned that I may have to cope with this. As a health professional, mother, victim and now a survivor, I would like to see Adrian take responsibility for his actions.

In our eleven year relationship, I never saw Adrian cry. He didn’t seem to show empathy or emotion. I could be sitting crying and he would not be able to comfort me.

In the same way he would be hard on the children, making them grow up before their time, run before they could walk. He showed little empathy when Ben or Reuben would cry saying they should "get hard" and "grow up". He told them that it was not good to cry and they should "toughen up".

They would have been no older than seven years old when he said this to them.

I used to explain his lack of empathy and cruelty, without remorse, as due to his being a police officer and the experiences he had endured. Later in the relationship I began to wonder if indeed these were not signs of more pathology in terms of a sociopathic personality, which I now believe is the case.

Adrian has said before to me that "I am quite sure that once you are cross-examined by Mr Mabey he will show you for the liar that you are". He has been in a constant denial mode. His favourite words of advice to me were "if you are ever accused of anything, do what the criminals do…. Say it wasn’t you".

Adrian has maintained his innocence from the day he was interviewed and charged by Police. Occasionally he would say to me "I despise myself for the person that I have become", but he would revert to saying "but you have made me that way".

I have spent much time trying to understand whether Adrian has lacked insight or whether it is just plain denial. I remember after several incidents of assault where I would indicate I would seek the help of Police, Adrian would say "That’s right I’ll go to prison, I’ll go to jail".

He always told me that when a Police officer commits a crime, his sentence would be much more severe than a civilian or non-sworn "because he should know better". He seemed then, to understand the consequences of his actions.

Adrian elected trial by jury and in doing so, our eldest son, aged nine years, gave evidence as a prosecution witness. Despite knowing this was to happen, Adrian maintained his innocence, did not negotiate or plea bargain and dragged us all through the process. Even now, there have been no steps to indicate remorse or reparation that I am aware of.

I would like to see him release the denial, the minimization and the justification for his actions upon the children and me and take ownership for his behaviours and attitudes. I believe that this can only be achieved by intensive therapy through the help of a registered clinical psychologist over an extended period of time. He completed an anger management programme early this year but in subsequent affidavits used the knowledge he had gained form this counseling in projecting his attitudes and behaviour onto me.

One day, I may get an apology, not just for the name calling but for the other psychological, economic and physical abuse I have endured. I am doubtful that this will be the case however.

On a final note I would like to relay to the court the words of a song by Christina Aguilera. This song is one that I would sing to myself when I had been hit or verbally abused by Adrian.

It goes, "I am beautiful, no matter what you say, words can’t bring me down …So don’t you bring me down today".

Dr Deborah HILTERMAN
Whakatane
22/10/08

The offender's details may be found here